I realized the past few blogs have been mostly positive, cheery, life is great kind of posts. I wanted to share tonight a conversation that we had over the dinner table. It is a type of conversation we have daily. It's messy, incomplete and I am always left wondering what I should have said or what I shouldn't have said.
While eating dinner we were talking about what we were thankful for. Charlie and Naomi said "Meatballs". Levi said "MommyDaddy". Emelia said "That I had a sister". We prayed for dinner and then the conversation got messy.....
Naomi started to repeat her usual phrases, "You are my mommy. You are never going to leave me. My daddy is never going to leave me. You love me, etc.etc.etc." We actually have this conversation so often that I was starting to feel annoyed (it's pathetic but it's true). Then she talked a bit about her previous family.
I could tell Emelia was confused about something. She then said, "What if something happened and you couldn't take care of Naomi anymore. Would she go back to _____and ____?"
I was so shocked that Emelia asked this! Then I realized Emelia was verbalizing what Naomi was probably thinking. I quickly reaffirmed, " No, Naomi will always be my daughter. She will never have another Mother. She will always be in our family."
I thought that sounded pretty good. But it didn't satisfy my curious one.
Emelia then followed my comment with this question: "But mom, what if something really bad happens and you can't....."
Well I snapped at her quickly and maybe a bit to harsh. I said to her: "Emelia, would anything stop you from being my daughter?"
She responded appropriately, "no".
"Naomi is the same. Just like you will always be my daughter, so will she. She is a part of our family now. Nothing will change that. Got it?"
Emelia actually looked surprised. I guess I take for granted how much our mature 5 year old understands. I just think I need to say it once or maybe twice and they will get it. I am starting to realize this messy conversation is going to be a daily one for a LONG time.
After dinner Naomi was disobedient and got a "time in" As she was laying over my legs she kept crying, "You are my mommy! You love me!". I used to think she was saying this to be a bit manipulative (as she frequently is). I realized tonight she was saying it to herself to remind herself where she stands. So as she was crying I said, "Naomi, I am your mommy. I love you. I am your mommy. I love you." over and over again.
I just want her to look into my eyes and get it. To get I am not going to leave her....even when I am annoyed, sick, tired, etc. She does get it for that moment....but 5 mins later...she's not so sure. I guess I should start loving this conversation. I should start seeing it as opportunity and not a failure on my behalf (of not convincing her that I love her).
My heart is heavy tonight. I go back to work tomorrow. I work as a RN and my days are long. I am gone before the kids wake up and home after they are in bed. To Noami, tomorrow is going to feel like I left. I am just praying that God will comfort her heart and give her peace that I will return....for more messy days and messy conversations.