Tuesday, April 26, 2011

incomplete conversations

I realized the past few blogs have been mostly positive, cheery, life is great kind of posts. I wanted to share tonight a conversation that we had over the dinner table. It is a type of conversation we have daily. It's messy, incomplete and I am always left wondering what I should have said or what I shouldn't have said.
While eating dinner we were talking about what we were thankful for. Charlie and Naomi said "Meatballs". Levi said "MommyDaddy". Emelia said "That I had a sister". We prayed for dinner and then the conversation got messy.....
Naomi started to repeat her usual phrases, "You are my mommy. You are never going to leave me. My daddy is never going to leave me. You love me, etc.etc.etc." We actually have this conversation so often that I was starting to feel annoyed (it's pathetic but it's true). Then she talked a bit about her previous family.
I could tell Emelia was confused about something. She then said, "What if something happened and you couldn't take care of Naomi anymore. Would she go back to _____and ____?"
I was so shocked that Emelia asked this! Then I realized Emelia was verbalizing what Naomi was probably thinking. I quickly reaffirmed, " No, Naomi will always be my daughter. She will never have another Mother. She will always be in our family."
I thought that sounded pretty good. But it didn't satisfy my curious one.
Emelia then followed my comment with this question: "But mom, what if something really bad happens and you can't....."
Well I snapped at her quickly and maybe a bit to harsh. I said to her: "Emelia, would anything stop you from being my daughter?"
She responded appropriately, "no".
"Naomi is the same. Just like you will always be my daughter, so will she. She is a part of our family now. Nothing will change that. Got it?"
Emelia actually looked surprised. I guess I take for granted how much our mature 5 year old understands. I just think I need to say it once or maybe twice and they will get it. I am starting to realize this messy conversation is going to be a daily one for a LONG time.

After dinner Naomi was disobedient and got a "time in" As she was laying over my legs she kept crying, "You are my mommy! You love me!". I used to think she was saying this to be a bit manipulative (as she frequently is). I realized tonight she was saying it to herself to remind herself where she stands. So as she was crying I said, "Naomi, I am your mommy. I love you. I am your mommy. I love you." over and over again.

I just want her to look into my eyes and get it. To get I am not going to leave her....even when I am annoyed, sick, tired, etc. She does get it for that moment....but 5 mins later...she's not so sure. I guess I should start loving this conversation. I should start seeing it as opportunity and not a failure on my behalf (of not convincing her that I love her).

My heart is heavy tonight. I go back to work tomorrow. I work as a RN and my days are long. I am gone before the kids wake up and home after they are in bed. To Noami, tomorrow is going to feel like I left. I am just praying that God will comfort her heart and give her peace that I will return....for more messy days and messy conversations.


Courtney said...

Thank you for being real, Amber. God has long been calling me to adoption but I know it isn't an easy road. It reminds me so much of my own journey with God, the constant questioning of His love. Aren't you going to leave me this time, God? And time and time again, He shows me that no, He isn't going to leave. Praying for you in this long but worthwhile struggle to love Naomi as your own and be a part of her healing.

David and Larisa said...

Thanks for sharing the hard stuff too, Amber. I think that it's SO good that she's saying the positives over and over and over - even if it's because she's still trying to convince herself. At the very least the "right" words and phrases are readily available to her little mind.

We'll be praying for your return to work - I know that it will be hard, but I also know that God, the ultimate healer, WILL provide for you and for Naomi.

((hugs)), Larisa

Danelle said...

Hugs to you my friend. Thanks for sharing the conversations. Will pray for your peace and her heart.

Addie said...

I'll be praying too, how did the first week back to work go?

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